🧠 Living with AuDHD
I am late-diagnosed autistic with ADHD, and I am also dyslexic. For most of my life I did not know this. I thought I was failing at things other people found easy. I masked constantly. I smiled when I was confused, laughed when I did not understand, agreed when I was lost. I looked calm while chaos raged inside me.
That mask nearly destroyed me. It kept me hidden for decades. Only recently have I started unmasking and letting my real self through. It is freeing, but it also means I live more raw, more open, and more vulnerable than ever.
⚡ What It Feels Like
My brain does not do steady. It ricochets between hyper-focus and paralysis. I can burn out for days. I can shut down and fall silent. Noise, lights, smells, all of these can overwhelm me until I want to curl in on myself.
Rejection cuts deep. A glance, a change of tone, silence, my mind runs away with it, convinced I have broken everything.
This is not occasional. It is every day. Living with AuDHD is not something I can turn off. It shapes how I see the world, how I connect, and how I love.
🪫 Burnout and Recovery
In 2020, when the pandemic hit, I crashed. It was full autistic burnout and it lasted nearly five years. I was flat, disconnected, and numb to pleasure and intimacy. I still worked, I still survived, but I was not really alive.
Now, slowly, I am coming back. Sparks are there again. Desire is flickering, waiting to be claimed again. My need to submit is returning. I am still tender and still rebuilding. Some days I can give everything. Some days I need quiet, stillness, and space.
💬 Why This Matters in Kink
Submission for me is not separate from my neurology. They are woven together. My need for ritual, for rules, and for clarity comes from the way my brain works.
- Clear instructions ground me
- Rituals soothe me
- Rules help me hold onto myself when the world is overwhelming
- Kindness draws me deeper than punishment ever could
When I kneel, obey, and surrender, I am not pretending; I am showing my truest self. It is who I am. Neurodivergence makes it harder, but it also makes it more meaningful.
🔑 My Reflections
I am neurodivergent, submissive, and unmasked. That makes me sensitive and complicated, but it also makes me truthful and devoted. My vulnerability is not a flaw. It is the core of my submission.
My surrender is not a game. It is not something I can hide or escape. It is real and it is fragile. When it is cared for, it becomes fierce. That is the truth of living as both neurodivergent and submissive.
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