Cigarettes
I was given my first cigarette at seven years old. Soon, I was buying packs of Marlboro at the corner shop with money from washing cars or selling things. Smoking was a stim, though I did not know it then. It calmed me, numbed me, and gave me a mask. I smoked on and off until I quit on 21 January 2007, and I have not touched one since.
Booze
Alcohol came even earlier. Watered-down wine at four, whisky from my dad, and by seven, I was drinking beers. At twelve, I was drunk on expensive port stolen from his cellar. Drink became my ultimate mask. It hid the autism, numbed and excited the ADHD, and made me appear normal. Later, I managed it like a medicine, watering down the wine to take the edge off. But in the end, my health said no. My neurodivergence said no. And, like with smoking, I stopped. I have been sober since 9 February 2023.
Weed
I discovered weed at sixteen, and it stayed with me. At first, it was about getting high, but over time, I realised it could be something else. For me, it is not an escape but a steadying tool. Small amounts calm my ADHD, ease the loops of my neurodivergence, and let me stay balanced. I no longer smoke it; I make edibles instead. It is part of my self-care, no more dramatic than good food, enough sleep, and keeping a routine.
Now
I have stripped things back to what truly supports me. No cigarettes since 2007. No alcohol since 2023. No class A since 2001. Only weed remains, not as a drug but as a medicine. It steadies me, calms my ADHD, and helps me stay present in my neurodivergence. It is part of how I care for myself, so that I can give myself more fully when I serve.
I do not enjoy smoke anymore, so being around smokers is difficult. I am also not comfortable around heavy drinkers or people lost in drugs. It unsettles me, and it takes me out of the submissive headspace I want to live in. I much prefer a calm, clear connection, where I can stay steady, attentive, and obedient.
🫀 My Reflections
Cigarettes, booze, and drugs were my masks. They helped me survive, but they also hid me from myself. Now I have stopped running. Weed stays, not as an escape, but as part of my care. Everything else is gone. No more masks. Just me. A submissive who is clearer, calmer, and ready to serve.
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